Updated: Apr 20
I’m a man, and I cry.
I don’t mean like when I cut my finger with a knife or if I don’t get my way or if my favorite show gets canceled (Yes, Dog With a Blog was a tough loss for my boys and I but we got over it).
But yeah, I cry.
Speaking of my boys, I have two of them, teenagers now. When they were born it was like a door to a room in my heart that I didn’t even know existed opened up. When that happened, pure joy flooded out and I was so completely overwhelmed I was driven to tears. I didn’t just get choked up with watery eyes or a few drops running down my cheek, I wept. I bawled. I was basically brought to my knees by the sheer fact that this miracle just occurred and I was going to have it as part of my life.
I was raised Catholic so I believe in God. I used to sit on the couch and stare at my kids when they were newborn for hours just wondering how in the world it was even possible that I could love another human being this much. I didn’t understand and I felt a strong need to. I prayed and asked God over and over to tell me just how it was possible that such a big strong macho man (umm, or me lol) could be so completely overwhelmed with the joy this love accompanies that it brings on the waterworks. Even now 18 years later I look at my boys as they bicker and tease each other and I’m enveloped in joy and love.
God didn’t exactly give me the answer.
God was the answer.
God still is the answer.
If you don’t believe in God I certainly hope you have a higher power or source that you turn to in time of need or in time of joy to pray to or thank to. The miracle of love is definitely a gift. I would say it was the miracle of childbirth but that wasn’t the only times in my life that I’ve been confused as to the origin of my emotion.
I was in a relationship for years and during that time I realized that I had actually never really been this deep in love before and I could not possibly have known what it was. It wasn’t until this person came into my orbit and we shared our feelings for each other that something inside me awakened.
This wasn’t the same as when my children were born. They were a gift from God and I knew that. I thought my depth of emotion was tied to the fact that they were my kids and that was so powerful it was reserved for them.
But the relationship I was in taught me something. Loving someone else can bring me to my knees too. It can drive you to tears when it’s deep enough. I felt so touched with emotion for this person that I would cry just thinking about how much love I had in my heart.
Just how big is my heart? There’s clearly another room there that I didn’t know about. If this relationship pulled out that kind of love from me what would happen when or if this ended? Would that door close? Would I be on the outside of love forever?
I dreaded that answer because I didn’t want that to ever happen.
I planned my future.
I let my ego takek over and set an entire agenda for our lives.
I took for granted time and circumstances may change things.
I knew my feelings would and could never change but we realized our situations just were not working. It was a long distance relationship and my kids were in high school and I didn’t want to move until they were out. Because of his work he couldn’t move either. Eventually we got to a point where we called it off. I cried a lot. But I cried about that eventuality for months leading up to it when I could see it coming. The truth was, my truth was, I loved him so deeply that his happiness was more important than my need to have that happiness bound to me. I wanted love in his life and in his home and for that to be everyday and for that to be now.
But could it be now? Could he, or I, just turn off that love and turn it on for someone else that fast? Umm, that’s not exactly how it works. We are not talking about turning emotion on and off. We are talking about looking down the hallway and finding another door open. That doesn’t mean that first door closed necessarily. Just that the context of how that emotion manifests itself changes. Just as I never went looking for it when I met this man, I wouldn’t now go searching for a replacement. The universe doesn’t work that way.
The most difficult part here was that there was still no lack of love between us, it was just two people who loved each other and wanted to be in each others lives but realizing the complexity of the situation and the needs of each made for necessity to change. How we change and how we grow and if we decide to be involved in each others’ lives will be decided upon by the inner strength we can muster to stand by each other as we travel our separate roads.
But can we do that together? It would be a shame if we couldn't. Time will tell.
The universe is going to put the right people in our paths that we need, when we need them. That’s how it works. You don’t get to decide who or when you just have to be open to the possibility and watch for the signs along the way. And you better watch for those signs and be prepared to follow them. You might have to act fast, and you might miss out if you don’t. One of the reasons God and the universe puts people in our lives is for a lesson. The lesson I got from this relationship is that I truly have the capacity to love another human being with great depth. To love so much it hurts. To love so much you can’t imagine that person not ever being anything but part of you.
Okay, reflect back to my recent blog entry “What’s in it for Me?” for insight on, among other things, the success of love and relationships.
Of course I love my children. But that room in my heart is reserved for that kind of love. The love for this man has its own room and I am fully aware now that my heart has many rooms, and the capacity to love another just as much, but maybe differently, than this man.
That too brings me to tears.
And I’m just man enough to admit it.