Outliving MY Past

In my last blog I expressed the need to say goodbye to that part of you that holds you back from being what you want to be, and what you need to be, to have a happy and emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy future.


It’s not easy letting go of relationships. The hardest ones to let go of are the ones we have with ourselves.


I like me.

I’m a nice guy.

Other people like me.

Pfft, They adore me, I mean come on, right?!


Oh the ego. Getting in the way of personal spiritual development yet again.

Remember on that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry and Elaine decided to start having sex again but didn’t want it to effect their friendship?


Jerry: (waiving his hands back and forth) “Cuz, this is great, we don’t want anything to get in the way of this!”


Elaine: (pointing to the bedroom) “That’s good too!”


Jerry: “That’s very good!”


Elaine: “yeah, We just want to take this…and add that.”


In the end it didn’t work for them because it turned into too much of a relationship again. They thought they had outgrown, or left behind all those old patterns, and set new rules so things would work out with their new situation.


It didn’t.

Things didn’t really work despite new rules because they hadn't really changed as people.


You can’t just start thanking the universe for the stars and the sky and asking for money and expecting a raise and a deeper spiritual life. Creating change takes work and despite the humor above this post is a bit more serious than the last.


I wanted to change. I recognized that I needed it. I committed to doing it.


I prayed. A lot.

I read. A lot.

I consulted a close friend who was on a similar spiritual journey. A lot.

I watched his success.

I modeled myself much in the same way.

I started with the daily guided meditation I mentioned in my last blog by Aaron Doughty. It brought me to tears because it was intense! As I relaxed into the visual he asked me to create, I was overcome with calmness and serenity and peace. I set the intention for each days meditation and it would manifest in a visual so vivid I broke down every time.


Except once.


This is hard.


I set my future intention to marry someone I loved and was committed to for the past several years.


The visual never came. I couldn’t get it, I couldn’t see it.


And yes of course I broke down this time. He was the one most important parts of my life and this was supposed to be an easy one! I knew we were going to be together, we talked about getting married and I had this whole Captain & Tennille production I was planning for the eventual proposal.


That wasn’t going to happen was it?

We weren’t getting married were we?

We we even going to last another year? Month?


Ouch.


By summer’s end it was over and it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. More-so than my father’s death because at 95 his health had been declining for years and the eventuality was much planned for emotionally.


But this…this was supposed to last. This was my whole future!

I was going to move to NYC when my kids graduated high school and we would start a life together! Wha-aht nowww?


Indeed, what now?

What do I do now?

I mean.....what happened to that future? I....don't have one now, what the hell do I do?



I don’t know.



Continue to grow, to change, to create a new me I guess.

But I have to let go of him if I do that.


Him who?


My ex.


And?


My ego.


And?


My old self. That old “BMD” that had such a great reputation. It followed him everywhere and everybody wanted a piece of him! I mean a certain piece of him.


Hence the solid, stalwart and “fucking hot” reputation!


Again, just....Ewww.


So I prayed, I worked, I meditated, and read, and read, and read. I consulted a Life Coach who, with that friend, changed my whole life course!


I also met someone who turned out to not be associated with anyone I knew in town. Right away we clicked, became friends and hung around each other a lot. What was this?


Pause on that for a moment…


I’m in mourning.

I had a friend pass away over the summer. This was tough.

I saw the end of my long-standing relationship. This was tough.

I hated my boss, and my job. It was at an all-time high point of frustration. Again, tough.

I was on a new spiritual journey. Also actually tough.


I need to process this stuff.

I need to let myself feel things.


Rewind…


I had battled depression many years ago and was on prescription medication for 6 months before I decided they weren’t for me and my doctor weaned me off them. I knew the signs to look for and how to deal with any uptick in symptoms and I dealt with that very well for many years.


Two years before I started this journey I was feeling particularly overwhelmed. With my life, my lifestyle, my schedule, my responsibilities, my relationships and other things. Make no mistake these were not negative things. It was the magnitude of everything all the time, and not having the time for the magnitude of everything. I saw those symptoms creep back and I chose a different response. I let them take over and addressed them in a rather dark and cloudy way which let my problems float away outside of me.


Finally. I wasn’t myself for a while.

I wasn’t responsible for being who I was for a while.

I wasn’t responsible for acting a certain way for a while.

I wasn’t responsible for managing depression for a while.

I wasn’t responsible for being this BMD person for a while.


I wasn’t responsible.

At all.


I was pretty damn irresponsible quite frankly. But I still had responsibilities I had to deal with.


With some help and love from the two closest people in my life I came to my senses and realized my mistakes and managed to extract myself from the depths of what I made my life to be. There was heartache on the horizon, and some speed bumps and detours and rest stops but I kept going.


Fast forward back to Fall 2019 where I’m deep into this new spirituality.

My vibration has been raised, I sage’d my space and cleared it of negativity. I released my karma to the universe, and studied Quantum Physics and it helped my really understand how to feel my intentions, live them, and see them develop.


Back to the new guy.


As we grew closer it became apparent the universe brought us together because it knew we needed each other right at that exact point in time. This was evident to both of us. But surprisingly nobody else saw it that way. Well, those who were closest to us and saw us together consistently recognized what was up with us and why it was good we met.


Others didn’t get it. “Who’s that? What’s he doing with Daddy? Oh wow he must be totally into all that stuff too. Let’s get in on that! Wait he’s not? Ok, let’s get Daddy out to play on his own. Hit him up on social media or one of the apps and we’ll plan something”. Sounds great.


But it’s not great. I am with this new guy. We have a thing. Don’t mess with our thing because it’s a good thing.


It IS a good thing. I need this thing!!!


But…it wasn’t that easy. We were constantly tested. We had so much negativity thrown at us by people I thought were my friends but yet hadn’t bothered to get to know this new me. But was I all JUST this new me? No.


Therein lies the problem.


I still had that old me trying to get me to veer off course. And he was successful a few times. It wasn’t easy to let go. I still needed him. I didn’t want to need him and I hated needing him, and i hated him being around. I mean, I really hated him.


I hated that part of who I was.


But…what else was I?


Over the course of the next few months we got caught under this reign of terror so bizarre I won’t again repeat all the details. Suffice it to say it took everything I was in the past and threw it in our faces.


That was me. No wonder I hated him. No wonder I was depressed. That’s a lot to live up to.


Confession.


I’m not human. I faltered. I got off the exit a few times and allowed myself to become distracted by facets of the old me that I couldn’t let go of. But why? Why was I hurting the new guy in my life, the new guy I was becoming and the new spiritual self and world I wanted?


Ask my inner child.


Ok men. Step up and find a therapist and dig deep. yes even the Marlboro Man has a therapist, no one will think less of you. But dude, bring your Timberlands 'cuz there's a lot of crap to go through down there. Inner Child work is a big mud bog and it is dirty and messy and it hurts. But it is necessary, and it is enlightening.


Oh.


That.


That happened when I was 7.

I felt left out.

That happened years later.

I felt left behind.

That happened, then that happened, then my dad died, then my best friend decided I wasn’t worth being friends with, and then one of my other best friends dies and then, and then…I never thought he’d leave me too.


Wait what?


He didn’t leave me though it was mutual. But he wanted out. He didn’t want to be with me.


Ohhhhh…


What if…?


What if…?


“Hey! Its me! Your old self? BMD. I won’t leave you! Everyone loves you! Everyone wants you! We won’t leave you either!”


Seven year old me: ”...ok”



I don’t like that guy. His moral compass points to a different north than the one I want to go towards. But I made some mistakes anyway. I let plan B interfere with the only plan that truly mattered. And that hurt more than anyone leaving me ever did.


Was I just this piece of trash that I felt this alter-ego was?


No. No. No. I wasn’t. I may have presented myself like that to avoid further hurt but that’s not me. That’s not who I am anymore so I had to stop acting like it and stop leaning on him as a crutch!


I came clean and admitted my behavior.

I apologized.

Sincerely.

I begged for forgiveness of myself. I knew that trust was broken between me and significant others including myself and that the only way to restore that was to exorcise that demon and say good bye.


Beware! there’s a risk with that. There is no fall back plan if you say good bye to your old self.


Spoiler alert! You don’t need one.


You need to love yourself and trust yourself to know you can do it. Know you can be exactly who you are meant to be and who the universe is going to guide you to being.


Pray.

Meditate.

Read.

Love.


Love yourself for the new you that you are.

Only then will you be loved for that new you that you are.


Just be the new you and don’t ever stop learning and growing and praying and reading and loving.


And oh don’t forget to change that outgoing voicemail message to let everyone know right?


“I’m sorry, Boston Daddy can’t come to the phone right now.

Why? Because he’s dead.”

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​medmund@fiftyshadesofmasculinity.com

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