My Super Wild Crazy Gay Life

4:45am My papillon wakes me up with kisses on my face “Daddy, I have to pee!”


Okaaayyy, I drag myself out of bed, I look at Hudson, our GSP, also on the bed and

yawning.


“You coming too?”


“Rawr rawr rupp..”


That’s a yes.


I grab him because even though he’s taller than my 10 month old papillon, at under

three months he hasn’t mastered jumping off the bed. He’s lanky and heavy and I

carry him because if I don’t he’ll stop and pee on the stairs…again.


I open the bedroom door and there’s Charlie our Coonhound, nervous girl, she

sees me and knows its okay to head downstairs so she can go out.


The Doberman hears us and comes along for the ride.


5:05am Everyone back in their sleep stations and the daddies know its only another

possible hour before feeding time.


6:40am Hudson is chatty. He’s awake and talking to us. Full on conversation at this point.

We don’t know what he’s saying, perhaps putting in his breakfast order, but we are

thrilled we got to sleep so late.


Sometimes I get up and feed them, mostly David does. Lol


7:20am Zeus is back on the bed. Licking my face again. “Daddy I’m up! Why aren’t you up

yet? It’s play time, there’s a ball downstairs and its a really cool ball and its an

orange and blue ball and its the same ball that's always downstairs but its just as

cool as it always is and we can play with it now because that idiot doberman is

outside and its all alone, come on daddy lets get up and plaaaaaayyyy!!!!”


8:30am Head to the high school track or soccer field with my weights, ab wheel, jump rope

yoga mat and put in my time. The gyms are open but I’m not so sure that’s the

best place to be right now. I’ve done pretty well at the track. I’ve been doing this

every day, rain, shine, snow whatever since quarantine started in March.

I should be in tip top shape but…donuts.


Fast forward…


9:45pm (or there’abouts) David and I are on the couch watching Love it or List it on HGTV

and trying to up our percentage on right guesses as to what the homeowners think

of Hillary’s makeover vs. David’s new home. We’re at about 85% right. And they

usually Love it.


Sometimes we opt for a movie or series or documentary but generally we go with

the renovation shows especially now as our place is under unexpected reno

(surprise! You have mold).




What lies between these hours are those things that are far from imaginable to heterosexual suburban types.


The stuff we do that goes into diary’s where lock and key is not only required but guarded.


It’s in these torrid daylight hours that we get our game on, search the web for the most outrageous options and sinister thoughts race through our heads.


What

to

Do

first…


David: Home Depot today or Floor & Decor

Marty: I have to run to Walmart and like 7 Ace Hardware stores


David: (confused and giving me the squint like Christina from Flip or Flop)

Marty: Remember Ben’s friend that broke a patio chair and we can’t find it online anywhere, well one of these 7 Ace hardware stores within the 495 Belt may actually have one!


David: (eyes gleaming) Are we on a hunt?

Marty: (nodding) Like when we spent three consecutive weekends driving all over the state looking for just the right used Nissan Altima for my son’s first car?

David: OMG that was fun

Marty: This is a bit less exciting based on the cost of the object BUT…. There’s a Starbucks near every one of them AND the one in Weymouth has…wait for it… a Dairy Queen next door (flips imaginary hair).


David: You are so hot right now…do we have time?

Marty: No we have to drop Ben off to work at the coffee shop plus the guy who’s digging the trench in the basement for the french drain will be here any minute.

David: Emilio?

Marty: MMMhmmmm!

David: He’s so cute!

Marty: Right? I should put a tighter shirt on

David: (Hard eye roll)


So yeah these days aren’t exactly filled with crazy days and wild nights. Aside from stuff like this, and trust me there’s an unusual amount of stuff like this.

LIke I don’t even know how we managed to hold down jobs and get everything done back then! But now we spend days at Costco or Ikea picking out new stuff.

Or dealing with insurance companies. Looking for jobs as we are both out of work still. That happened pre-covid.


We also watch idly by as some of our friends or former acquaintances live a life the depicts earlier days - pre-covid. I have to admit I’ve become a bit overly judgemental on social media to the point I revisited one of my favorite books ‘Judgement Detox’ by Gabrielle Bernstein. Brilliant. I needed it.


Yes we want to have fun, yes we want to see our friends, yes we want to simply go to dinner in the south end.


We don’t.


We take the dogs to the park or the trails or the dog beach.


We had a beach day to ourselves. We got there early and made a 20 foot space in the sand for ourselves using seashells. We tried to converse with a friend standing outside our circle of comfort but that didn’t work too well.


Especially with my hearing issues…another thing to deal with, surgery upcoming. Not a big deal really, more humorous than anything else.


We used to have lives.

We worked in a bar and preferred making money on Saturday night than spending it. Although we did enjoy the occasional night out dancing it wasn’t our preference.


Generally, pre-covid, our preference was balance. A bit of fun, a dash of decadance and a whole lot of dog time.

Not a bad life. Not much has changed honestly except friend contact is via phone and not in person.


I miss hugs more than anything. But I do get them from my kids and those are the best. And I have to admit the ability to spend more time with my kids, especially my oldest before he went off to college was worth more than anything I missed.


Life for me wasn’t always this slow. There were times when it was hectic, and that was before the four dogs. Just the two teenagers, but they were my pride, never a burden. There was a time when I went out more, was very social -maybe too social. But what makes me who I am today is my ability to look at myself and retool my own values. To interact with people who have value.


Friends. True friends. Ride or die friends.


More about that next time, but for now…a lesson.


The value of how you spend your time and those with whom you spend it matter.

Don’t miss doing things that didn’t add value to your life anyway.

Stop judging the behavior of others unless you plan on being a champion for change.

Engage in activities that make you feel alive and soothe your soul, now and always.


I made a decision to live by these things and this won’t change once covid ends and things go back to whatever new normal we get to.


I’ll still be betting on Hillary for the win.


Every time.


There’s another moral here:


Be man enough to recognize your own need for change and most importantly…


Get a dog.


…or four.






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​medmund@fiftyshadesofmasculinity.com

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